Day 6…

Day 5 went off without a hitch and I was SO excited for dinner and to be able to consume human food again. The boyfriend has been tabulating the calories in each dinner he makes and last night was a banger. Tofu sausage with edamame pasta and veg. Easy and less than 500 cals.

Tonight presents a new problem and with it has come the onslaught of some serious food anxiety. It doesn’t help that my period is knocking and with it comes my desire to eat ALL the things. I have resisted thus far but tonight we’re going out to dinner with friends and I am SO nervous about accidentally eating more than the 600 cals. I feel like I will be secretly calculating all the calories with my phone under the table so no one thinks I am INSANE (which I am). I even peeped at the menu to see if I could start figuring out the best option before we go. Stuff like that makes me love and HATE dieting.

I just have that goal in mind and don’t want to do ANYTHING to mess it up accidentally. It would just be such a bummer to go this far and spend this much money and not see results because I messed up on a night out that I could have easily skipped.

I might just prepare myself something at home and claim that I am sick at dinner and not eat. It’s easier not to eat than to nibble and then catch myself piling them all on. Anyone else have this problem??

I don’t want to like it, but I do.

Soooo- I am down 8 lbs. EIGHT pounds in four days. I want to hate how horrible the plan is and how unnatural it all tastes etc but… eight pounds… in four days.

The cleanse was actually really easy. To be fair, I was dieting before I started this so I was already in that, “mode”. I am vegan as well so I was used to snacking on raw veg and none of this plan was all that dramatic for me. If your eating habits were more along the lines of a college frat boy, then I would imagine this plan is far, far worse. I found myself pretty happy to have the relief of the shakes (which STILL make me gag) on the cleanse days so I went ahead and ordered two more of the cleanse jugs.

My “coach” said it’s fine to do two cleanse days every 5 shake days and frankly, I am just tempted to see how far I can push this thing. I am working out on every shake day (I walked about 5 miles on the cleanse days but that’s normal for London) and I am hoping that the 5 days a week in the gym plus four cleanses instead of two will get me down a nice 30lbs before I fly back to the states for the summer. If I actually manage to drop 30, I will be the thinnest I have ever been. 5’7″ and 135. Yas please. I have some size 4 jeans that I have been tucking away.

Still though, I am not a convert. The plan seems like a quick fix (like crazy quick) and I do hope the weight stays off when  I switch to a 5:2 diet with veganism after but there is no way I would do it again… unless I had one of those weird baby things or something, I don’t plan on letting 20lbs creep on ever again.

How’s everyone else getting on?

Well, that’s encouraging…

Day four has just begun and it’s cleanse day #2. I woke up to weighing 158.4 … which means a loss of 6.6 lbs in three days. Not mad at that, not mad at all. I calculated the calories this morning and figured out that on cleanse days, calories consumed are around 220… for the entire day. Strangely, I didn’t feel lethargic or dizzy. Nothing. I didn’t particularly feel hungry either. I did a bit of research on the 5:2 diet and think I will continue doing that after I am done with the Isagenix. It’s 5 days of normal consumption a week with 2 days of fasting (500 cals allowed for ladies, 600 for men). If today is as easy as yesterday, I am down with this fasting stuff.

I made sure to keep the day really busy. A full day of teaching followed by attending a filming of a TV show. Day 2 is going to be a little more tricky as I have the day off to attend a routine dr.’s appt. I figure I will keep myself busy with some housework? Maybe a walk or two? A pedicure? I will say I woke up feeling a little “out of it” this morning. Hard to pay attention to the news or whatever it was my boyfriend said this morning (whoops). Maybe that’s the lack of caffeine… but maybe it’s to do with the lack of calories. Either way, the progress thus far has me totally committed. 26 days to goooo. How’s everyone else doing??

Cleanse Day One.

Day three begins with the cleansing-ness. I am ready to be done with the day just to say that 10% of the thing is ovah. I am already so very sick of flushing the toilet.

Down another half pound this morning bringing the total to three pounds in two days. Not bad. I’ve lost faster on other diets in the past but who knows. I am hoping for a bigger drop after these fun little starvation days.

I read in one girl’s blog that she pretended the “snacks” were astronaut ice cream. It’s actually a pretty similar vibe if you’ve ever had them. I will say the perk of the day has been the ability to drink the Nourish for Life stuff. It seems to be the only liquid in this plan that doesn’t make me gag. Win. Considering I have to drink 4 cups of the stuff over the next 2 days, I am happy it’s gag-free.

Anyone else working out like mad while they do this? I am wondering if it’s having an effect on the slow loss. I wanted it to help but I worry that if I am at the gym sweating my arss off for an hour and a half every day that maybe I am getting too little calories? Thoughts?

It’s a cold (yes, cold… in facking end of JUNE!) day here in London and I miss food… how’s everyone else doing??

28.5 Days to go…

Day one ended and seemed simple enough. It’s the cleanse days that start tomorrow that have me scared shitless. Granted, I have pretty clean eating habits but zero food? For 48 hours? And don’t even tryyyy to tell me that those “snacks” are anything resembling actual food.

The gym was a nice way to kill some non-eating time yesterday so I plan on enlisting it most days just to keep my mind off of the next fluffy/sludge-y shake. I’ve also learned to only combine the shake mix with the minimum 8 oz and chug it as fast as I possibly can.

I felt myself looking around work today and saying, “all these women seem perfectly happy in their bodies the way they are, why not me?”. It’s a real bitch when you struggle between unrealistic goals and the idea that maybe you just weren’t made to be a tiny person. Of course, being healthy is of the utmost importance… but at some point… do women ever cut themselves a break with looking perfectly thin?

This is the kind of bullshit chatter I allow to creep into my head when I want to convince myself that the diet I am on is insane. I do wonder about the health benefits of this one specifically as it seems almost impossible to find anything scientifically backed about it online. Troublesome… but then again, my $400 is in Majorca having a great time so I am not about to waste it.

28 days to go… yes, I rounded down.


Day One- noon update… because… wow.

So I decided to opt against ice and try out the riveting strawberry flavor this time around. Equally as disgusting as the chocolate but with the added bonus of an almost, “strawberry candy gone bad, very bad” after taste. I am starting to think the worst part is the texture. It’s so … unnatural. For water to suddenly become thick… just no.

I also have to mention that even though I have been drinking a LOT more water today (probably about 6 cups already), mostly due to wanting to rinse out the shake taste, I have been on the toilet pissing like mad. I decided to start the diet on a Sunday (knowing that if I let the box even sit in the kitchen for one extra day, I would eat everything in sight knowing the start day was looming) but it makes me wonder how this peeing every 20 seconds thing is going to work while teaching. My school in London has three classes a day for 100 mins each. thats over an hour and a half with no pee. None.

You can’t just walk out on a room of 30 sixteen year olds and tell them to behave while you pee out your really overpriced cardboard bevvies. It’s making me trepidatious about tomorrow to say the least.

Also, I tried one of those “snacks” mid-morning just to see what it was. Horrible. Horrible is what it was. My boyfriend and I were putting together something from ikea at the time and when I had him try it he asked if I was fucking with him and if I was sure it wasn’t, “something that just fell out of the ikea box?”… he is also keenly aware of the cardboard nature of isagenix.

To be fair to it, half a day in and I do feel a bit more pep in my step… but that might just be the thought of dinner keeping me going. Now for the gym.

Keep calm and cardboard on.

❤ -a-

Day One

“718 hours to go…”

So I am sure you’ve stumbled here because, like me, you’re scouring the internet trying to find one complete Isagenix review by someone who didn’t shift to the pyramid scheme halfway through and therefore never shuts up about how amazing it is. No worries, I am far too cynical for cults or pyramid schemes. What I would like to do here, is be honest. People shouldn’t have to spend hours trying to find a decent review of something. Hell, you can google gummy bears on amazon and read heartfelt/terrifying reviews of them for days. Why can’t we find the same for a $400 diet???

A little about me… I am 34 years old, 5’7″ and have been anywhere from 220 lbs (at my heaviest in 2005) to 135 (my lightest (and unfortunately least mentally healthy) in 2016). On day one of this not so fun and very pricey 30 day experiment, I am 165 lbs. It should be noted that I am a Florida native who currently lives and works in London so if my measurements (cups, oz, ml) and frustrated weight loss vocab (shit, bugger, fack, damn) are all over the place, just let me know and I probably won’t change it. ❤

Ok, now for the goods. A real person who woke up this morning to a massive ass amount of impulse buy items all over her counter and regretted it instantly.

I stood half naked and took those photos that one takes and frowned in every single one according to weight loss mission day one protocol. Actually, I took one at the end with a thumbs down for bonus. I then proceeded to measure each and every inch of my thumbs down body. This is the part that can be a little frustrating as you find a LOT online about how many inches some people lost… but if, for example (and it’s in the Isagenix pamphlet) I measure my leg in three different places, even a half inch loss in each one of those area and in both legs… now I can say I lost 3 inches!… in my legs? Is that really something that I will notice? Will my skinny jeans suddenly slide right on because I lost half an inch in my upper knee (no joke, they tell you to measure your upper KNEE). Anyway, knee weight loss is not my goal. It’s pretty fucking weird and if I lose some knee fat… I guess that’s cool? But we all know the juicy goals are found in the waist, belly, hips, thighs and arms (that currently flap about while I teach and make me self conscious as helllll). So when I post measurement changes every 10 days, I’ll skip the knees. As long as everyone is cool with that.

I deviated a bit there… ok a bunch. Back to putting this weird stuff into my mouth hole. I started with the Ionix Supreme (which name alone, bugs me). I had to convert ml to cups because as they’ve just launched in the UK, yesterday I think, they clearly did a quick conversion of all their US measurements to ml… they use ounces over here too. Trying to figure out how much 235 ml was this morning, not cool. Anyway, a quarter cup of ionix supreme (i.e. brown naaaasty smelling shit) down the gullet later and I was wondering what the hell my $400 was doing right about now. I hope wherever it is, it’s having fun because I definitely am NOT.

I made the horrible mistake of then looking down at the little meal plan and seeing that every. single. day. starts with a quarter cup of that stuff. Began to remind myself that if I could get through this first meal, we’d be a little less than a full 30 days to go. If I need that already, I have no real clue how I will survive this.

I took the little thermo GX pill in between the two gulps it takes to get down the ionix supreme horribleness. Now it was time for the shake. It should be noted that I go the vegan route but the option for vegan shakes wasn’t available in the UK yet, so I had to apologize to the cows of the world and take one for the team as this whole thing is being spurned on my a wedding I have to be in at the beginning of September. Sorry, cows. Prior to this, I drank vegan meal replacement shakes from time to time (Vega One) and they are facking delicious. So good. I like to blend them with some ice and fake milk shake it up. Soooo I made the really shit mistake of thinking to add some ice to this first chocolate isalean shake. Big mistake. Huge. Adding ice meant having more to drink. You do NOT want to savor or extend these shakes.

I consider myself pretty decent at dealing with pain and things that taste bad. I’ve got a not small amount of tattoos on my body and I’ve eaten weird food I couldn’t identify in places like Cambodia and Madagascar… but this stuff had me gag. An actual gag. I had a panic moment at one point that I would somehow mess up the whole plan if I threw it up on accident. That $400 pricetag works wonders for your guilt trips. I’ve had at least three already and I am only 2 hours into this … 720 hour diet. Yes, I just did the math. Yes, I teach math to kids for a living. Yes, I am uncool.

The taste is just so so poor. It’s thick (maybe not helped by my blending with ice, will NOT do again) and the smell is distinctly similar to cardboard. It’s the texture that really killed it for me. Again, not helped by adding the ice, I KNOW. I will add more non-ice updates when I survive to meal two. The thickness is almost non-food like. It’s not a liquid, it’s not a solid… it’s cold, cardboard-y, non-chocolatey (AT ALL) sludge. I gulped all but a few leftover sympathy “don’t make me” sips down and felt like I had just survived some military training by the end. I was waiting for a facking medal.

I’m pretty sure I will think anyone who is able to complete this program deserves a medal… we’ll see. Off to clean the house (only used as a form of distraction) and then off to the gym (because again, my $400 deserves her best results)… will post at the end of apocalyptic day one.

Sidenote: I had to use the potty mid-post and I was (like most insane weight loss people) super excited to weigh right after. Gained .8 lbs. Cardboard weighs more than poo, it would seem. Off to a great start.

If you’re on this funny little journey as well, please comment below and share. Solidarity in numbers. Plus, we can always just contemplate where our combined dollars have run away to… Majorca. Yeah, probably Majorca.

❤ -a-