Day One

“718 hours to go…”

So I am sure you’ve stumbled here because, like me, you’re scouring the internet trying to find one complete Isagenix review by someone who didn’t shift to the pyramid scheme halfway through and therefore never shuts up about how amazing it is. No worries, I am far too cynical for cults or pyramid schemes. What I would like to do here, is be honest. People shouldn’t have to spend hours trying to find a decent review of something. Hell, you can google gummy bears on amazon and read heartfelt/terrifying reviews of them for days. Why can’t we find the same for a $400 diet???

A little about me… I am 34 years old, 5’7″ and have been anywhere from 220 lbs (at my heaviest in 2005) to 135 (my lightest (and unfortunately least mentally healthy) in 2016). On day one of this not so fun and very pricey 30 day experiment, I am 165 lbs. It should be noted that I am a Florida native who currently lives and works in London so if my measurements (cups, oz, ml) and frustrated weight loss vocab (shit, bugger, fack, damn) are all over the place, just let me know and I probably won’t change it. ❤

Ok, now for the goods. A real person who woke up this morning to a massive ass amount of impulse buy items all over her counter and regretted it instantly.

I stood half naked and took those photos that one takes and frowned in every single one according to weight loss mission day one protocol. Actually, I took one at the end with a thumbs down for bonus. I then proceeded to measure each and every inch of my thumbs down body. This is the part that can be a little frustrating as you find a LOT online about how many inches some people lost… but if, for example (and it’s in the Isagenix pamphlet) I measure my leg in three different places, even a half inch loss in each one of those area and in both legs… now I can say I lost 3 inches!… in my legs? Is that really something that I will notice? Will my skinny jeans suddenly slide right on because I lost half an inch in my upper knee (no joke, they tell you to measure your upper KNEE). Anyway, knee weight loss is not my goal. It’s pretty fucking weird and if I lose some knee fat… I guess that’s cool? But we all know the juicy goals are found in the waist, belly, hips, thighs and arms (that currently flap about while I teach and make me self conscious as helllll). So when I post measurement changes every 10 days, I’ll skip the knees. As long as everyone is cool with that.

I deviated a bit there… ok a bunch. Back to putting this weird stuff into my mouth hole. I started with the Ionix Supreme (which name alone, bugs me). I had to convert ml to cups because as they’ve just launched in the UK, yesterday I think, they clearly did a quick conversion of all their US measurements to ml… they use ounces over here too. Trying to figure out how much 235 ml was this morning, not cool. Anyway, a quarter cup of ionix supreme (i.e. brown naaaasty smelling shit) down the gullet later and I was wondering what the hell my $400 was doing right about now. I hope wherever it is, it’s having fun because I definitely am NOT.

I made the horrible mistake of then looking down at the little meal plan and seeing that every. single. day. starts with a quarter cup of that stuff. Began to remind myself that if I could get through this first meal, we’d be a little less than a full 30 days to go. If I need that already, I have no real clue how I will survive this.

I took the little thermo GX pill in between the two gulps it takes to get down the ionix supreme horribleness. Now it was time for the shake. It should be noted that I go the vegan route but the option for vegan shakes wasn’t available in the UK yet, so I had to apologize to the cows of the world and take one for the team as this whole thing is being spurned on my a wedding I have to be in at the beginning of September. Sorry, cows. Prior to this, I drank vegan meal replacement shakes from time to time (Vega One) and they are facking delicious. So good. I like to blend them with some ice and fake milk shake it up. Soooo I made the really shit mistake of thinking to add some ice to this first chocolate isalean shake. Big mistake. Huge. Adding ice meant having more to drink. You do NOT want to savor or extend these shakes.

I consider myself pretty decent at dealing with pain and things that taste bad. I’ve got a not small amount of tattoos on my body and I’ve eaten weird food I couldn’t identify in places like Cambodia and Madagascar… but this stuff had me gag. An actual gag. I had a panic moment at one point that I would somehow mess up the whole plan if I threw it up on accident. That $400 pricetag works wonders for your guilt trips. I’ve had at least three already and I am only 2 hours into this … 720 hour diet. Yes, I just did the math. Yes, I teach math to kids for a living. Yes, I am uncool.

The taste is just so so poor. It’s thick (maybe not helped by my blending with ice, will NOT do again) and the smell is distinctly similar to cardboard. It’s the texture that really killed it for me. Again, not helped by adding the ice, I KNOW. I will add more non-ice updates when I survive to meal two. The thickness is almost non-food like. It’s not a liquid, it’s not a solid… it’s cold, cardboard-y, non-chocolatey (AT ALL) sludge. I gulped all but a few leftover sympathy “don’t make me” sips down and felt like I had just survived some military training by the end. I was waiting for a facking medal.

I’m pretty sure I will think anyone who is able to complete this program deserves a medal… we’ll see. Off to clean the house (only used as a form of distraction) and then off to the gym (because again, my $400 deserves her best results)… will post at the end of apocalyptic day one.

Sidenote: I had to use the potty mid-post and I was (like most insane weight loss people) super excited to weigh right after. Gained .8 lbs. Cardboard weighs more than poo, it would seem. Off to a great start.

If you’re on this funny little journey as well, please comment below and share. Solidarity in numbers. Plus, we can always just contemplate where our combined dollars have run away to… Majorca. Yeah, probably Majorca.

❤ -a-

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