Last “cleanse” is done… and so am I.

Sooo I went with doing a cleanse every week because I wanted to be all kinds of hardcore. I also went with working out like an insane person for an hour and a half four times a week. I NEVER cheated… until.

So last weekend I had to meet my boyfriend’s mom, I decided to have my one meal a day for lunch as we were going for a vegan high tea. Again, NOTHING crazy. I immediately gained 4 lbs back on the scale. In ONE day. It was enough to cause the kind of rage and fury that I needed a nap. I had a strong suspicion that this diet was one that can not end without instant rebound as it’s so chemically balanced and restrictive. I was right.

When my “coach” told me about staying on this shit… for life… I was already beginning to look into alternative options. I need something FAR more sane.

This is how I stumbled on the 5:2 diet. It’s what you’ve been doing on cleanse days (but less insane, 500 cals) and then you act like a NORMAL eating human for the other 5 days a week. I need the normal back.

I will keep up with the bloggity now but maybe this little project is going to turn into a different kind of diet journey… one that ends with balance and feeling sane. Let’s hope!

5:2 plan… starts right meow! Wish me luck ❤

10. More. Days.

A stone gone and that’s enough for me to feel good in all my old clothes again. It’s also enough for me to feel like I get the gist of this whole thing… after my next cleanse, I am going to switch back to the vega one shakes and a 5:2 diet until I get down another stone.

I feel like I let the little blog down butttt I did say I was going to give this thing a REAL review. Honestly, the shit is not great. Unless you plan on giving $5k a year towards drinking mystery concoctions everyday forever and ever, it’s probably better to look into hitting the gym a few days a week and coming to terms with the fact that we can’t all be super models.

I was saying to a friend that it would be nice to have ONE day where I didn’t find myself either berating myself (for poor choices) or praising myself (for healthy ones). Just ONE DAY where I didn’t actually think about food in that way AT ALL. My mother is bumping up against 64 years old and the woman still picks at meals and runs every day. She always says that she thought she would just stop worrying about how she looked at some point but it never happens.

The world is in the weirdest of times. We all feel like everything is a bit unstable. Luckily, we also live in a time where body hatred is being challenged and we need to rally behind that idea. That’s not to say that we shouldn’t be healthy. Working out and making choices that help our bodies get shit done is obviously ideal… but also, let yourself live a little. Enjoy this life stuff.

Cleanse #3… yep.

Anyone else noticing that by week two the only weight coming off seems to be during the cleanses? I work out, I don’t cheat, cardboard discs for snacks only and yet… nothing happens until the cleanse. Since this whole cleanse thing is essentially starving while drinking expired grape cough syrup (shoutout to Astrid for nailing the flavor) I am thinking this diet might have more and more to do with the 5:2 everyday.

I am going to keep it going for another week and a fourth cleanse but then I have a long haul flight back to the states and a month long road trip so I will probably shift back to my vega one shakes as they are a)fucking delicious and b)cost a sane amount of money for meal replacements.

I wrote my “coach” about my plan and holy hell, these people are bonkers. She insisted that a)my stomach issues would “probably” dissipate after a month or so and b)that this shit is for LIFE. I told her that after a month I would be off of isagenix and she seemed appalled. Starting talking about how I needed to rearrange my grocery budget to make room for Isagenix to be a constant. Ummm… I am a TEACHER. As a single female I have NEVER spent more than $200-$250 a month on groceries (and that’s some whole foods pretentious vegan shit too) which includes ALL meals… not just breakfast and lunch.

They expect people to drop almost 5k a year on cardboard and weird strawberry sludge. No. NO. no. Just… no.

I am guessing this is why people jump on the selling bandwagon. It’s the only way they can continue to afford the shit?!

Either way, I am still down 12 lbs (because again, I lose nothing on the non-cleanse days) but I am not sure how much of that is the pills and cough syrup potions and how much is my renewed commitment to starving and working out. It’s amazing what being a maid of honor in a wedding with a dress made for you when you were thinner will do for your motivation.

Annnnyway, how’s everyone else doing? 13 days to go! 312 hours-ish. Easy!

Day… 12? 13? I forget because this shit makes my brain dumb.

Today was the first day of this thing where I checked out. I didn’t cheat or anything, I just suddenly remembered I am on a diet that eludes scientific questioning and trials… and makes me go to the bathroom in abnormal ways.

I woke up with that, “I might shit might pants if I don’t run” feeling and that continued throughout the morning as well as what felt like running cramps (you know those ones in your hip-ish area that stab?) all day. I asked my “coach” about it and she seemed sure that it was “probably fine”.

I made the mistake of googling it. Turns out a lot of people are essentially peeing out their arssholes for the entire 30 days of this thing. Cool.

I’m starting to think that these “IsaMoves” (IsaFlush in the US) are just massive ass laxatives? I might compare the ingredients.

Either way… the weakness from the morning of hell has left me unmotivated to hit the gym and overall just exhausted. It’s the first time I have felt this way on the plan so I am a little shocked. I need the energy and excitement back before I hit up my very first british garden party tomorrow at which I plan to not eat and just drink water. Aren’t I going to be the life of the party?? The things we do for a few lbs, am I right?

To be fair, I was able to buy a size 6 dress instead of a 10 for this shindig… but they should maybe tell you more about how you should prepare to be a socially inept loser for the 30 days. This is the second time that I am going to eat before going somewhere just to prevent messing up the calorie count. I abhor how uncool I am on this diet.

Sunday is the halfway-ish (two weeks out of 30 days) mark… as of this morning I was down 12 lbs. If I can break the 25 mark on this thing, the hermit/”water chugging weirdo at the party” behavior will be worth it.

Would love to know how others are finding it… honestly.

2nd “cleanse”…

On day two of my second cleanse… I’ve gone ahead and decided to do four cleanses during the 30 days because I find them quite easy and the results are kind of addictive.

I am still shocked I haven’t cheated at all but it’s honestly JUST the money… and a little bit about the scale. As of this morning, start of day 11, I am down 10.5 lbs. I still wonder what’s actually in this shit, or if I am technically just starving myself… but I am starting to wonder less.

If we all woke up and got told there was an experimental drug that would help you drop 10 lbs in 10 days, we’d all take it and not ask any questions so I am going into this with the same mentality. Get the weight off and then never look back at the scary pyramid scheme of nasty flavoured liquids again.

Writing about it helps to keep me honest as well and I have been talking to another girl in London who found me via this blog. Would love to hear from more of you!

One week down!

One week. Eight pounds and a slimmer figure. Not bad.

I will say being on your monthly death cycle during this thing is less than great. I have endometriosis but I will say the cramps seem to be lighter this time around. Not sure if that’s because they don’t have anything to cramp onto. My poor little empty stomach.

I know that snacks, other than the brown cardboard discs, are supposedly allowed but because they weren’t listed on the british pamplet (the US one looks completely different apparently) I was avoiding snacks altogether. Today, I had to enlist the help of an apple to get through the ol’ period cravings. I still managed to make it to the gym so I figured an apple was fair compensation.

Looking forward to the second cleanse on Tuesday and Wednesday as that first round brought the most dramatic change.

Also, can we talk about the BM’s on this thing? They’re facking terrifying.

Dinner out?

Dinner out was kind of a lie… I ate before we went out for fear of going over the 600 mark. I know that sounds a littttle crazy but I didn’t spend $400 on some powder and pill stuffs to mess it up over a dinner or two. It’s only 30 days. I can be crazy for 30 days if the end is what I hope for. After all, if you’ve been trying to lose weight, you’ve been a little crazy your whole life.

Weight loss brain is THE worst. You feel horrible when you indulge, you skimp back and feel hungry. You feel massive fear and anxiety when the pounds start going back up on the scale but you also feel like it’s all so unfair when you always feel like you’re watching every piece of food that goes in your mouth. SOOOooo if this really is some pyramid scheme weight loss dream come true, than maybe I can be rid of weight loss brain after the 30 days. 21 days of crazy to go!